Garlick My Cheese Balls

Makes 1 cheese peen (about 6 servines)



· 8 oz cream cheese, softened

· 1/2 cup sour cream

· 1 cup shredded cheddar cheese

· 2 scallions, thinly sliced

· 1 clove garlic, minced

· 2 teaspoons salt

· 1/2 cup pecans, chopped finely



Warm up a small saucepan over medium heat and let your nuts drop. Just like with real nuts, you need to keep em’ moving gently, so swirl them around for 2-3 minutes or until they’re fragrant (they’ll smell way better than balls, trust us). Place them on a plate and set them aside to cool off for a bit.

Make ‘em cream: in a bowl, mix your sour cream and cream cheese together until they’re thoroughly combined.* Now spice it up by adding the cheddar cheese, scallions and garlic and combine. Get it nice, hard and ready to play with by covering the bowl with plastic wrap and refrigerating the mix for at least two hours.

It’s time to get your hands dirty and design the peen of your dreams (think John Hamm and his wonderful bulge). Get out your serving dish and form two balls and a shaft with the cheese mix.  To blend the balls and shaft, stroke them softly together at the seams with your fingers. Sprinkle the cooled nuts on top and press them in gently to cover the surface of your peen.   

Brush off any excess nuts and then serve with your favorite chips and crackers. Or fruits and veggies if you’re feeling healthy. Just kidding - it’s a fucking ball of cheese just eat the damn carbs with it.

*Pro tip: leave your cream cheese out for an hour before mixing, letting it go soft makes it easier to work with (which is counterintuitive for us, since we usually prefer things hard).