Serves 4 to 6
For the loaf:
· 2 cups cooked lentils (green or brown)
· 2 tablespoons olive oil
· 1/2 yellow onion, diced
· 1 large carrot, diced
· 2 celery stalks, diced
· 1 ¼ cup diced crimini mushrooms
· 1 tablespoon soy sauce
· 2 tablespoons ketchup
· 2 tablespoons BBQ sauce
· 1 1/2 tablespoon chopped fresh parsley
· ¼ teaspoon salt
· ½ cup steel cut oats
· ½ cup bread crumbs (or just two slices of bread)
For the sauce:
· 1/3 cup ketchup
· 1 tablespoon yellow mustard
· 2 tablespoons brown sugar
Preheat your oven to 350°. Take a large skillet and get it hotttttt over medium heat, sauteing your onion, along with your peenier vegetables—carrots, celery, and mushrooms —with olive oil and soy sauce for 8-10 minutes or until softened slightly.
Then, in a food processor, take your lonely lentils, your hot vegetables, and add some spice in the form of ketchup, bbq sauce, parsley, oats, and bread crumbs—and pulse. Pulse like there's no tomorrow. Make sure you don't puree though. Shoot for a chunky dough, leaving bigger bits of veggies for texture.
Scoop your mixture into a silicon penis pan and place it on a baking sheet. If you don't have a penis pan (what are you doing with your life?), you can line your baking sheet with parchment paper and use your hands to craft your own peen. Is it long and thin? Short but substantial? Does it throw a little curve at the end? It's up to you—whatever peen you make, be thankful you have so many to choose from.
Bake for 35 minutes, but don't let it finish quite yet. While your loaf is baking, mix together ketchup, mustard and brown sugar in a small bowl. Remove your loaf from the oven, and if using a penis pan—let it rest for ten minutes and flip it over onto the baking sheet. Spread your sauce in long, even strokes on top of your penis, covering everything and bake for another ten minutes. Remove from the oven and let your man meat cool for at least 10 minutes—that's when it starts to get nice and firm. Then serve and share your man meat with guests—because this dinner party isn't monogamous.